Uh Oh: Dans Death Must Have Been Really Gnarly If Everyone On Facebook Is Being So Vague About It

February 1, 2018

Well. This can’t be good. So Dan, everyone’s favorite jokester and all-around good guy, apparently died last week in some kind of tragic accident. All the posts that have showed up on Facebook so far have being pretty cagey about the details though, so uh… Dan’s death must have been pretty gnarly? Oh man. That seriously sucks for Dan. It all started when Dan’s mom posted an old picture of…

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Can You Escape From Hell?

January 24, 2018

This feature requires JavaScript to function. Keep driving. Swerve. Drive head-on into Martin Scorsese. Uh-oh. Looks like Marty isn’t getting it. Shout at Martin Scorsese to get out of the road. Swerve. Drive head-on into Martin Scorsese. “Do you know about any good restaurants in NYC?” Shout at Martin Scorsese to get out of the road. Swerve. Start Over But you do. You’re in Hell now. “Hell is where people…

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Welcome To Heaven! Can You Become Gods Favorite?

November 20, 2017

This feature requires JavaScript to function. Enter. Don’t you mean Heaven? “Yes, that is what I said. My name is Donner, and I will be your Hermanly Host for the next 500 billion years, assisting you with whatever you need while you’re acclimating to life inside the pearly gates.” Why only the next 500 billion years? “Because after that I will enter my chrysalis stage and transform into a pelican.”…

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Can You Defeat The Chess Computer?

November 13, 2017

This feature requires JavaScript to function. In this city, chess is all that counts for much. It can be rough for someone who knows a lot about business and nothing about chess. It can be rough for someone like you. Go to the park. Go to the bank. Go to your business shed. I’m a valuable person worth a lot. Can I have some of my money? I succeeded at…

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Major Bombshell: Newly Declassified JFK Assassination Documents Reveal That Kennedys Head Would Have Exploded That Day Regardless Of Whether He Was Shot

October 31, 2017

Conspiracy theorists across the nation have been on the edge of their seats waiting for thousands of classified documents regarding JFK’s assassination to be released to the public. But nothing could have prepared anyone for the news they were going to receive about the president’s death: The newly declassified JFK assassination documents have revealed that Kennedy’s head would have exploded that day regardless of whether he was shot. Wow. This…

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Youre A 13-Year-Old Girl: Can You Find A Date To The Sadie Hawkins Dance?

October 13, 2017

This feature requires JavaScript to function. Ugh. Homeroom is so freaking boring. Boyzzzz. This class sucks so bad. Watch intently. The Southport Frustrated Dog points to the loudspeaker on the wall and begins to sing the “Announcement Song”: One two three, listen to the voice!It’s time for the announcements and you have no choice!The words will come through the big microphone!You must take note of their content and tone! The…

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End Of An Era: The High School Friend Who Texts Everyone When Someone From Their Class Dies Has Died

It’s a sad day for members of Camp Hill High School’s graduating class of 2004: Marissa Carlsberg, the one friend who could be counted on to text everyone else when someone from their class died, has passed away. R.I.P. Marissa. Looks like the rest of your classmates will be flying blind now. For years, Marissa made her mark as the one who could be relied upon to pass on the…

September 30, 2017
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Whoa: Lush Has Created A Long-Range Shea Butter Missile Capable Of Moisturizing Targets Up To 6,000 Miles Away

Lush is absolutely dominating the beauty landscape, and apparently, nothing is going to stop it. To prove that it sets the rules and everyone just follows, the company just unveiled its newest, most powerful skin care product to date: Lush has created a long-range shea butter missile capable of moisturizing targets up to 6,000 miles away. Whoa, that’s some serious firepower. According to anonymous sources within the company, the shea…

September 6, 2017
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Science FTW! Scientists Have Announced That The Water That Comes Out Of Whales Heads Is Probably Piss

Here’s some huge news from the world of marine biology that shows just how amazing science can be. In a press conference earlier today, scientists from the Scripps Institution of Oceanography announced that the water that comes out of whales’ heads is probably piss. There’s no denying that this is one of the biggest scientific breakthroughs in recent memory. After months of diligent research, the team from Scripps finally presented…

September 3, 2017
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Im Sick Of Busting My Ass Doing Neo-Nazi Stuff Only To Have Some Masked Antifa Dweebs Get Credit As The Real Fascists

When you work at something for years, really taking the time to master it, you expect a little bit of recognition. So that’s why what’s happening right now in America is really getting under my skin: I am sick of busting my ass doing neo-Nazi stuff only to have masked Antifa dipshits swoop in and get credit as the real fascists. Let me break down just how unjust this is….

September 2, 2017
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Joining The Resistance: Dr Peppers CEO Is Stepping Down From Trumps Dr Pepper Advisory Council

Looks like the president just took another big hit. The rift between Trump and the business world continues to grow after the president’s refusal to condemn white supremacists. The latest defector is the CEO of Dr Pepper, who announced he was stepping down from Trump’s Dr Pepper Advisory Council in protest. The powerful statement from Dr Pepper CEO Larry Young leaves no ambiguity about it: I can no longer in…

August 30, 2017
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Its Called Columbusing, And Its The Latest Teen Craze That Has Kids Sailing The Globe In Search Of Spice

Parents, listen up, because this just may save your son or daughters life. If your kid has seemed preoccupied, is keeping secrets, and is associating with unsavory characters, theres a new online craze that you need to be aware of, like, now. Its called Columbusing, and its got kids setting sail into uncharted waters and exploring the seas for new spice trading routes. Yikes! If you havent had a talk…

August 2, 2017
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