Wtf Is The Doomsday Clock And Are We All Going To Die?

February 3, 2018

Remember just one short year ago when the Trump presidency was made official and everyone was like, “this is totally the end of the world as we know it?” Well it looks like our overdramatic hyperbole might not be too far off. The Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists moved the Doomsday Clock 30 seconds closer to apocalypse o’clock midnight yesterday, which, in simple terms confirms that we’re all pretty much fucked….

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Casey Affleck Finally Realized We All Want Him To GTFO

February 2, 2018

Incredible news: Casey Affleck has announced his plan to fuck off during this year’s Academy Awards. It’s tradition for the last ‘Best Actor’ winner to present this year’s ‘Best Actress’ winner, but Affleck has opted out, claiming he doesn’t want to take the focus away from the women and their performances. Before you go and deem him a hero, let’s recap on what a scum-sucking road whore he is and…

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6 Unpredictable Dangers Of Being An Atheist

February 1, 2018

Are you an atheist? If so, that’s totally cool. We don’t have any fake hundred-dollar bills to give you which reveal that “true wealth comes from the Lord” when they unravel. However, we do have some rough news: While a lot of people act like atheism is shunning the responsibility that comes with religion in order to waste time wearing black clothes and getting to third base with unmarried demons…

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The Hottest Players In Super Bowl LII

January 29, 2018

As a diehard Jets fan (no jokes plz), I honestly have no idea who tf to root for in the upcoming Super Bowl. I hate the Eagles although I admire their fans for a) climbing greased telephone poles in order to party, b) not coming to work today because the city of Philly is collectively hungover, and c) booing Santa off the field during a winter game and hucking snowballs…

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The 6 Most Savage Lines From Larry Nassar’s Sentencing Yesterday

January 28, 2018

Yesterday former USA Gymnastics doctor Larry Nassar was sentenced to up to 175 years in prison on charges of sexual assault. That is 25 more years than the number of women who testified against this 10/10 creep in the last seven days. Those who watched the trial are familiar with the presiding judge in the case, the Honorable Rosemarie Aquilina, who looks like if Elvira had her own spinoff. That’s…

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Be Warned: Your Own Trump Is Coming

January 28, 2018

One day, very soon, your personal Donald Trump will come along. It’ll be all of the same tricks, only perfectly tailored to your beliefs and pent-up rage. He or she will be just as dishonest and as abrasive as the proverbial cat’s tongue on your genitals … but everything they say will go down smooth as butter. You know how sometimes you drink butter? Like the little tub of it…

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6 Terrible Stereotypes (That Came From Positive Things)

January 25, 2018

You probably assume that every slur and negative stereotype sprang from the minds of history’s most bigoted people, like that time Sir Misogynist invented sexism whole cloth in 1204. But history is more nuanced than that. Sometimes innovations, positive trends, and good intentions end up harming the exact people they were supposed to help. Take how … You could find them if you knew the right signs. Usually she’d be…

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5 Heartbreaking Side Effects Of The Opioid Crisis In America

January 21, 2018

People have been getting loaded ever since Julius Wine ate all those bad grapes, and we’re mostly OK with it. Sure, we have that War on Drugs business, but as long as dealers aren’t shooting each other within our immediate vicinity, we tend to put our heads in the sand about the whole matter. But prescription opioid painkillers, our latest drug epidemic, are a different beast entirely, affecting everyone from…

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5 Organizations That Can Literally Just Take Our Money Already

January 18, 2018

Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the world is literally crumbling around us and it’s time to cut back on skinny vanilla lattes with no whip and put your money towards things that actually matter. The good news is that after you donate you can brag to your friend about how you’re like, a really good person. Also you can help people and the world. That is…

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We Picked Out The 5 Juiciest Tidbits From The Official Trump Burn Book

January 11, 2018

Just when you thought 2018 was already doomed to be a series of unfortunate events, it came through with something I have literally written my own version dreamed of: an Official Trump Burn Book. Award-winning journalist/my new idol, Michael Wolff spent the last year hanging around the White House and collecting all the hot goss for his book which is based on hours of recorded tape from people in the…

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The 20 Most Insane Things That Happened In 2017

January 3, 2018

You probably remember that 2017 was an insane year. The thing is, it was even crazier than you remember, because the human brain is incapable of retaining the sheer volume of strangeness we witnessed in 2017. Fortunately, we kept track, for you. Remember when … Source: Space.com 18 17 Source: 23 ABC Source: ABC News Source: Variety Source: The Verge Source: The Washington Post Source: Reuters Sources: The Hollywood Reporter,…

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The Top 20 Cracked Articles Of 2017

January 3, 2018

Well there’s another year we’ll never get back. For what it’s worth, we spent that whole year making the best stuff we possibly could, and millions of you read it! We’ve gathered our 20 top articles of 2017 so you can catch up. And if you want us to keep making stuff like this, become a subscriber and get rid of the ads and generally help us keep doing what…

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5 Movies Where The Heroes & Villains Would Be Reversed Today

December 13, 2017

The world is rapidly changing, and as a result, many things we took for granted are falling by the wayside — some entire industries, an iceberg or ten, your favorite movie premises, etc. Admittedly, “classic film storylines becoming obsolete” isn’t a problem on the same level as “our grandkids will need protective goggles to go outside.” But someone has to tackle this issue, dammit. Read Next 4 Rent‘s Ridiculously Generous…

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14 Mesmerizing Machines That Run The World Behind The Scenes

December 12, 2017

We’re making memes smarter. So can you. Visit the Photoplasty and Pictofacts Workshop to get started. The world is a complicated place, and there’s a lot of stuff we take for granted. As it turns out, there are huge, brilliant inventions all around us that are not only mesmerizing to watch, but that get the job done. 13 Entry by Andrea Meno by Andrea Meno 12 Entry by Andrea Meno…

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6 Tiny Movie Moments That Took Insane Amounts Of Work

December 12, 2017

Movies are hard to make. Directors have to deal with a million different things, from a diva starlet’s demand that she only be lit by organic free-range lights, to trying to wrangle a thousand extras in full medieval gear who want, more than anything else in this world, to pee. But it’s all worth it when that big action sequence dampens the seats of theaters across the globe, right? Well,…

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5 Horrifying Ways America’s Hunting Undocumented Immigrants

December 11, 2017

Being an undocumented immigrant is like playing the world’s highest-stakes game of hide and seek. They’re already been cut off from entire swaths of society, but under the, ahem, current political climate, things are getting worse. Authorities are now craftier than ever when it comes to nailing those disgusting criminals who dared to try to live a better life. For example … She was taken to the hospital, where her…

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5 Movie Scenes That Aged In Unexpectedly Horrifying Ways

December 9, 2017

Some movies just don’t age well. Maybe that’s due to changes in our culture, or advancements in technology, or simply because somewhere along the line, we lost our way and tragically forgot that break dancing can solve anything. And yet other times, an older movie doesn’t hold up because the screenwriters took a wild stab in the dark and hit something. The wrong something. Knox is portrayed as a conniving…

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Trump’s McDonald’s Order Might Actually Be The Worst Thing About Him

December 7, 2017

Trump will go down in history as many things. A racial tension-stoker. A climate change-denier. A collusion-maker, and definitely maybe even a crime-doer. But I think we can all agree that most importantly, Trump will be remembered as the fattest modern president, one that has the ghost of William Taft quietly moaning “beware the bathtubs” through the halls of the White House’s private residence. And how does America’s thiccest POTUS…

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Take Notes: This Fake Roy Moore Accuser Scandal Is A Master Class In Stupidity

December 1, 2017

Yet another woman came forward this week with additional claims against Alabama Senate candidate, and creepy child predator, Roy Moore, accusing him of sexual assault, which like, ok sure what else is new? At this point, news of Moore assaulting another underage girl is as groundbreaking as news that the sky is blue, or Ryan Gosling is hot, or Kylie Jenner is pregnant. We already know. However, this story took…

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A Definitive Timeline Of Prince Harry And Meghan Markle’s Relationship

November 30, 2017

Sad news for those of us who consider ourselves princesses in training: Prince Harry, aka the world’s most eligible bachelor and an actual hot redhead, is no longer eligible. Monday morning, the royals announced that Harry is officially engaged to actress Meghan Markle, and that their insane fancy wedding spectacular will take place sometime in the spring. Pour one out for all the girls who signed up for study abroad…

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5 Ways Disney Can’t Stop Screwing Up Star Wars

November 28, 2017

Star Wars. You love it! You think it’s great. But what if Star Wars stopped being great? That would be bad, right? And bad things aren’t great! Everybody knows that! Seeing as how we’re all in agreement here, let’s talk about the possibility that Disney’s entire strategy for Star Wars might be, as a whole, actually madly deeply verifiably bad. I know it’s painful to fathom such a terrible possibility…

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The Republicans Are Passing Their Tax Bill And You Should Probs Know What’s In It

November 23, 2017

Last week, the Senate unveiled its newly proposed tax plan, and the House will be voting ASAP on their own plan to cut taxes for billionaires save the middle class. I know you’re already snoring, but this shit is important because unless you’re the current President of the United States, you probably pay taxes and should know where all that money that could otherwise be spent on brunch is going….

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5 Reasons Why The Marvel Universe Makes Absolutely No Sense

November 14, 2017

Superhero movies used to be like porn — less about the plot, and more about properly fitting people banging into one other with some force. But as Marvel developed its increasingly convoluted cinematic universe, things have changed. We now get fully developed characters with rich backstories and arcs that span multiple films. Still, not even the MCU is exempt from the occasional misstep. And by “the occasional misstep,” we mean…

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5 Embarrassing Habits Everyone Develops When Living Alone

November 14, 2017

I was an only child to a single parent who worked late. I’ve been working from home for nearly ten years. Combined, that’s the kind of alone time that can make neighbors rehearse their “He was a quiet fella, always kept to himself” news report answers in preparation for my inevitable crime spree. I’m by no means a loner or another descriptor that makes me sound like I ride a…

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A 2017 Voter Guide For Millennials Who Procrastinated The Election

November 12, 2017

If you think that elections are like, so last year, you’d be very wrong. Elections are like my fuck buddy on the hockey team- constantly around and a necessary evil (cat’s gotta eat, amiright?). Anyways, what I’m eloquently saying is that elections happen pretty frequently throughout the nation, because there are like, a lot of elected officials. Obvi you can’t keep up with all of them, because ain’t nobody got…

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Everyone Is Freaking Out About Puerto Rico’s Whitefish Energy Scandal And Here’s Why

November 5, 2017

On September 20th, a whopping forty or so days ago, Hurricane Maria decimated Puerto Rico, leaving nearly the entire island without power. And like, that’s where the situation still stands. 40 days without power or clean water. This is what we in the business call “a fucking disaster.” Now, if this had happened anywhere that white people live in abundance on the mainland U.S., Donald Trump would have flown his…

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