If I’ve learned one thing in my adult life, it’s that I will never live up to the comedy level that little kids have.
They might be the funniest versions of themselves when they are young and have no filter whatsoever.
I am not sure where they get these stand up comedy bits or clever insults, but man, am I thankful that they say the things they do.
3-year-olds are savages and no one is safe from their jokes.
“Whoever coined the phrase “terrible twos” had obviously never made it to threes…” @beachbaby271-blog
Let’s just clear the air, whoever first said “terrible twos” jumped the gun much too quickly, because the wrath and savageness of a three year old is unmatched and cannot be contained.
Get ready to hear some of the most hilarious and slightly disturbing jokes that the next generation is throwing at us.
“Last summer when I was updating my mom about my life, my niece walked up and told me to “stop saying boring things.”” Anna Berardinelli
I think this often when some people talk about their problems, but three year olds might be the only people to get away with such a killer comeback.
“Hey guys I’m so mad that three-year-olds don’t understand irony bc literally two of my students were fighting over a book titled “Why Should I Share?” today.” @yamelcakes
Irony may take years to understand, but just minutes to apply into the life of a three year old.
Sharing is caring, but where’s the fun in that?
“At work today:
Preschool teacher: How many friends are here today? -turns to kid- Can you count how many friends are here today?
Kid: No. None of these people are my friends.
Class: -dead silence-” @stfangofboredom
Just telling it like it is, the only way a three year old knows how to communicate.
“There’s nothing quite like the wrath of a three year old upset at you for ordering her strawberry ice cream when she asked for pink.” @torigoestotheinternet
This poor three year old is so misunderstood. All she wants is pink ice cream!
“Gibbie: I’m all done mama.
Me: Are you sure you can’t finish your last nugget and fries
Gibbie: No, mama, I’m full.
Me: Ok throw it away and go play.
Two minutes later…
Gibbie: I’m hungry.” @rueasmom
I have learned to never throw away leftovers when it comes to kids. Store them as long as you can because three year olds can, and WILL, be hungry for most of the day.
Me: Oh, wow, those are awesome.
Sandy: Stop saying ‘awesome’.
Me: Okay, what do you want me to say instead?
Sandy: Just say that’s ‘good’.
Me: Ah, okay, got it.” @poofgonebyebyesolong
I am taking notes. Saying “awesome” is no longer awesome. I can’t keep up with all these lingo changes but apparently three year olds are leading the charge on what’s in and what’s out.
“You should just leave the house, because I can take care of myself.” @trans-parenting
A new concept: a baby, babysitting itself.
I wonder what kind of unsupervised chaos a three year old could create? Wait, maybe I don’t want to know.
“3 year old: When I was a baby I said my first word.
Me: Oh yeah, what was it?
3 year old: chicken nugget.”@lanapuff
Move over “mama” and “dada”, the new best first word is chicken nugget.
preschooler: how old are you?
me: how old do you think I am?
Asking a child to guess your age is always going to be a hilarious conversation because their answer is usually completely wrong and definitely insulting.
“I. Hate. This. WORLD! -Eleanor, the most angsty three year old in existence.” @dover
The amount of times I have to restrict myself from shouting this exact statement, often in public places, is absurd.
I wish I had the same IDGAF attitude as this three year old, because, same girl, same.
“This morning, my wife told my 3 year old daughter that owls were nocturnal. My daughter responded ‘Yes, owls are not turtles.’” @RPskin45
She might have a future as a zoologist. Or just as a stand-up comedian, either or is a bright future.
“A three year old once told me a knock knock joke:
3 year old: Knock knock.
Me: Who’s there?
3 year old: A GIANT BEAR.
Me: A giant bear who?
3 year old: (straight faced) A giant bear is going to eat you, Heather.” @Heather Arline Whited
That’s a knock knock joke that will you will never forget. Ever.
“3 yr old class came to the library for story time and after the story we were doing our craft. Told the kids to share with their friends and got told, “these are NOT my friends.” ….Cool, share with whoever these people are then. Jerk. lol.” @Megan Ann Clarke
Tell it like it is, sister. No fake news here.
“A friend of ours was telling her son about dinosaurs and he wanted to go see one. She said “sorry honey, but dinosaurs are extinct.” He got mad and started crying and said “dinosaurs are not stinky!” @steve626
At least he cares about dinosaurs. Someone has to defend them even if they are extinct.
“My 3 year old son has been watching a lot of Looney Tunes and he likes Daffy Duck. Now instead of saying good-bye like a normal kid, he says “So long suckers.” We are so proud.” @joecarst
I hope he says it with the lisp. That actually might be the cutest thing ever.
“When my daughter was younger, 3 years old, we would watch a lot of Futurama together because if she was going nuts she would actually quit it and watch the show…apparently her favorite character was Bender, because one day I came home to my wife yelling “DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR DAUGHTER SAID TODAY?!” …apparently “bite my shiny metal ass” while shaking your butt was not an appropriate response to being sent to her room for a time out.” @ragingnerd
Bender might not be the best role model for three year olds. That wasn’t an appropriate response, but definitely a hilarious one.
“While waiting for heavy traffic to clear, I hear from the back seat, my three year old: “F**kin cars. What are all these f**kin cars doing here?” He sounded pretty pissed off.” @franzyfunny
Road rage starts so young!
“I was having a really bad driving day and finally made it home. After turning off the car, I sat there for a moment and said to myself, “Man, I’m really b*tchy today.” And out of the back seat I hear from my 3 year old, “Yes, Mommy. Very, very b*tchy.” Never laughed so hard in all my life.” @Moander
As a parent, you just want you kids to agree with you, but this could be the one time where you didn’t want your kid to tell you that you’re right.
“My dad who looks after my son told me that he (my dad) went into the playroom and said ‘Well, son_of_monk.e.boy, it’s very messy in here.’ And my boy said ‘Well, grandad, we’d better clear these f***ing toys up.” @monk_e_boy
You heard the kid! Clean up those toys!
“When my daughter was around 3 years old, we were visiting my sister. On Sunday we dressed her up in a cute little denim skirt for her church outfit. It was the first time she’s worn this skirt. The church was a rather small one and the kids were with us for the whole service. During one of the “Silent Prayer” times, my daughter discovered her cute little jean skirts and proclaimed (VERY loudly)….. “POCKETS!!!! I have POCKETS!!!!” ” @SandysSpot
I know this exact feeling. Nothing better than realizing your outfit has pockets. Worth disrupting church over, for sure.
“I took my boyfriend’s 3 yr old to the zoo once, and while we were passing by the tigers I said, “Aww, he’s so cute. I just want to give him a hug.” The 3 yr old stopped dead in his tracks, looked at me like I was a complete idiot, and said, ‘Dabnabbit, that tiger would eat your face.”” @dabnabbit
He is absolutely correct. Can’t argue with his logic.
“My 3-year old nephew likes to play with his toy cellphone. He has great pretend conversations with his grandparents but evidently sometimes he doesn’t like what he hears because he says, “Are you f***ing kidding me.” and then hangs up.” @thefeline
Sounds like an angry phone call for sure. This is a three year old you definitely don’t want to cross.
“When I was little, I apparently wouldn’t stop talking so my Mum said to me, “Could you just draw a breath!?”, and I replied with, “If you get me a paper and pencil I can try”.” @jadlad
Now that’s a clever three year old. I wouldn’t even be mad with a comeback like that.
“When my little brother was a wee lad, he asked for a pellet gun. My mother asked him why he wanted it, so he thought for a moment and said, “To tie up some loose ends.” I love that kid.” @missingsf
Seeking revenge on all the kids that stole your snacks during nap time. Not a bad idea.
Share this story if you know some parents or friends who have heard their darling little angels say some savage jokes. This stuff is too hilarious not to share.